A World Without
by Iliveinnerdfighteria
Summary: James Potter has been suffering from a rash of nightmares. Lily Evans is an insomniac. What's not to love?


Firelight flickered across the bottom steps as the red-haired girl bent to peer around the corner into the common room. Straining to see properly in the dim light, it took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the dark room. When they did, however, there was no mistaking the messy black hair that stuck out from between the fingers of the boy sitting, head in hands, in front of the common room fireplace.

"Potter?"

The boy's head shot up as fast as lightning at the sound of his surname emerging from the darkness. Lily silently skipped down the last few stairs and stepped fully into the flickering firelight.

"Evans?" His eyes seemed wider, more childlike, in the light of the dying fire and the girl's heart gave a not-altogether-uncomfortable squeeze at the sight, "What're you doing awake at this time of night?"

What James Potter did not know was that it was not uncommon, in fact, for Lily Evans to be found awake at this time of night. Usually it was with her hair in plaits, thin arms wrapped around her legs, sitting in the window seat beside her bed, lost in thought. The girl had spent many sleepless nights staring out into the darkness beyond her window, her head spinning with one worry or another, too wound up to even think of sleeping.

Indeed, a few short minutes ago she would have been found exactly that way; the only one awake in the entire Gryffindor Tower. Or so she had thought, until she heard a hoarse scream travel up the staircase through her room's closed door. It had not been loud enough to wake any of her roommates, or any other of the sleeping inhabitants of her house's tower, but it had been distinct enough for her to be sure that she hadn't imagined it. And so she had vacated her well-worn window seat and padded down the stairs in search of the source of the scream: James Potter.

It was not the first time the redhead had found this particular boy sleeping in the common room. He seemed to have made quite the habit of it as of late, so she couldn't say she was entirely surprised when she recognized him.

Lily's mind flitted through several different options of how to respond to James Potter's inquiry. Instinctively a snarky, "_I could ask you the same thing" _rose to her lips, but another look at his tired eyes and open expression made her bite back the retort. She briefly considered lying and telling him that she had been on her way to the kitchens for a midnight snack. However, after just a few brief moments of consideration, she decided to stick with the truth.

"I heard you scream… Nightmares again?"

And this was why she was not terribly surprised to find James Potter sitting on the faded maroon couch in front of their common room fire. She knew that as of late he had been making a habit of sleeping on the overstuffed sofa in the Gryffindor common room, because, also as of late, he had been haunted by a rash of terrible nightmares.

It had started several weeks ago. James had not been acting himself: lashing out at the slightest provocation, sleeping during classes, even downright refusing to take part in several of the Marauders' most recent, legendary pranks. During their nightly patrols together as Head Boy and Girl, Lily had been alarmed to note that he had been uncharacteristically silent. Not that she particularly minded the reprieve from his constant advances. However, recently they had fallen into a sort of comfortable friendship and, as unwilling as she was to admit it to herself, she didn't want to see that friendship die. So, she had discreetly gone to Remus with her concerns and he had confided in her that it was nothing to worry about. James had not been sleeping well, or at all, because of a recent plague of nightmares. He would get over it soon enough, Remus had assured her.

As Lily examined the boy in front of her: the dark circles under the eyes, the hair that stuck out at all angles, the discarded blanket on the floor, the lost expression behind rectangular glasses; a twinge of sadness squeezed in her heart and she hoped against all hope that Remus was right.

James stared back at her in silence, seeming equally as wavering in his decision of how to answer her inquiry before something convinced him too to settle on the truth, "...yeah."

Lily didn't know what answer she had been expecting in that moment, but for some reason the fact that he had chosen to divulge the truth wrapped around her like a warm blanket. She stood a few silent seconds more before asking, "Do you… do you want to talk about it?"

His face darkened in an expression to match the circles under his eyes. Seemingly without realizing that it was doing so, his hand jumped to his thick hair and his eyes fell to stare unseeingly into the fireplace, "...no...not really."

"Oh, okay. That's fine." Lily tried not to think too much about the sharp prickle of disappointment that made her throat burn at his response.

He didn't seem to have heard her reply. She couldn't see his eyes through the reflection of the flames on his glasses. The sight made her almost uneasy. The two of them fell into mutual silence for a few moments: Lily still standing and staring, and James still crouched on the edge of the cushions.

After a minute, however, Lily cleared her throat softly, "Well, I guess I'll let you get back to sleep then." Her voice came out in a murmur, but it still carried clearly across the quiet room, "Good night." She immediately turned to retreat the way she had come, but his voice made her stop and look back over her shoulder.

"Lils?"

"Yeah?"

The dark expression was gone, replaced again by the wide, childlike eyes. She was shocked to see a tinge of fear in them as he continued, "Do you…?" He hesitated for a second before plunging ahead, "Will...will you stay with me for...a bit?"

A small smile rose to Lily's lips, the picture of compassion, "Of course.."

James grabbed his forgotten blanket from the ground and patted the couch next to him in an inviting gesture. Lily crossed the room silently and took a seat on the couch. She sat with her back against the armrest and swung her feet up, immediately stuffing her toes under James' leg. This was a familiar gesture to anyone who had spent more than an hour with Lily, and it had a very simple explanation: Lily's feet were constantly freezing. Thus, since their first day at Hogwarts, she had found every opportunity to stuff her icicle toes under the warm leg of anyone who was willing to endure it. The familiar action elicited a small smile from James as he tossed the blanket over both of their laps.

Neither of them spoke for a while after that. James had one arm tossed lazily across the back of the couch while he propped his head up with his other hand. His eyes were closed, but Lily knew he wasn't asleep. She took the opportunity to examine him, without the intrusion of prying eyes.

She was struck immediately by how much he had changed in the six years they had known each other. His hair was the same uncontrollable mess. However, whereas before it had annoyed her to no end, now she found it quite endearing. His shoulders were broader and his arms and torso were wrapped in lean muscle, physical proof of his hours upon hours of Quidditch practice over the years. He also now stood almost a full head taller than her, having shot up sometime between their 3rd and 4th year. Lily would have been an idiot to miss all of those changes over the years. One thing was certainly clear in all of that: James Potter had grown into quite the looker.

However, what stood out to her most were the changes that were not quite so obvious. His smile no longer held that hint of self-conceited pride when he made Peter double over with laughter in the middle of class. Sure, he and his friends still set off fireworks in the Great Hall at least once or twice a month, but their pranks no longer displayed the malicious intent of humiliating or singling out another student. No longer was he the obnoxious prat who had dipped her braids in ink during History of Magic or who had bewitched a folded origami parchment to follow her around in the hallway for more than an hour, asking for her hand in marriage in 15 different languages. Instead, she found herself engaging with him in actual discussions about the mistreatment of werewolves in wizarding society. At the end of their patrols she marvelled at how fast the time had flown by. He was genuinely intelligent, and yes, he liked to flaunt that fact. But that didn't stop him from helping the occasional crying first-year who, at 12 o'clock on a Sunday night, just couldn't get that last half-inch done on their Potions essay.

So, as she examined him at the other end of the couch, his face half-hidden in shadow, Lily Evans realized that after all these years, James Potter had grown up, in more ways than one.

The realization brought a fiery blush to her cheeks.

"So...d'you want to talk about it or be distracted from it?"

James' eyebrows furrowed as he scrunched his eyes up in distaste, "Distracted."

"Okay, well... I can take my shirt off it that'll…"

That caught his attention real quick. His eyes shot open as his whole body spasmed in shock.

"Lily!"

A shriek of laughter tore from her throat as she wrapped her arms around her middle, doubled over in uncontrollable laughter, "I'm just spit-balling suggestions here!"

She took a small, strange amount of pride at the wall of red that crept up James' neck and continued all the way up to his hairline as he sputtered, "There'd be no coming back from that distraction, for either of us."

Lily's smile spread so wide across her face that her cheeks hurt, "Hey, you should be honored that I'd risk my dignity for you."

It seemed as though James was trying to pull the hair from his head as he clutched it, his face a mask of shock and disbelief, "I cannot believe those words just came out of your mouth…"

Throwing her hands up in a mock surrender, Lily laughed, "You said you wanted to be distracted!"

"Unbelievable! All these years of relentless rejection and here you are now just offering to take off your shirt," James mumbled almost to himself as she shot a half-hearted glare in Lily's direction, "Wish I would've known six years ago that all it'd take to get with Lily Evans was a couple of nightmares…"

A sharp scoff escaped her throat as she swotted his arm, "Excuse me, but six years ago if I'd heard you scream in the middle of the night I would've come running to find whatever saint was beating you and given them a medal."

Now it was James' turn to send a well-aimed scoff, "You wouldn't have!"

"Oh, yes, I would have!"

"Oh come on, you wouldn't have been worried in the least if you'd heard me screaming?"

"Not in the least," Lily turned her nose up in mock superiority and wriggled her toes a little deeper under James' leg, "I would have gone straight to Severus and we probably would have laughed about it."

James rolled his eyes at that, "Bold of you to assume that it wasn't Snivellus who was beating me in the first place."

Lily seemed to pause and think about that for a second before replying, "Nah, that's not his style. Hexing you when your back is turned? Absolutely. But you could definitely take him in a fist-to-fist."

James shook his head in mock disappointment and ran a hand through his hair, "Well, I'm glad to know you've got so much faith in me, Evans."

"Not really," She stretched her back out against the armrest and spoke through a yawn, "I have no doubt that whatever fight you got into, your mates would be there backing you up. It's not fair really. Any fight with you instantly becomes four on one."

This brought another smile to James' lips, "They are nothing if not loyal. I will give them that."

Lily shot him a look before rolling her eyes, "Oh please, you lot are practically married, it's sickening."

James' eyebrows almost disappeared beneath his hair as he turned to her skeptically, "Oh? And you, Marlene, and Dorcus aren't? I can practically hear the three of you giggling at all hours of the night all the way in our dorm room! Who knows what you birds are getting into up there if you know what I mean…" Lily interrupted with an angry splutter, but James continued as though nothing had happened, "...although if you three ever wanted some company for those little meetings I'm sure Sirius and I could free up a night in our busy schedule…"

This time Lily would not be ignored, "James!"

James' face cracked into a cheeky smile as he raised his hands in surrender, "I'm only joking!"

Lily scoffed and rolled her eyes again, "Oh, don't lie!"

"I mean, I wouldn't say no to an invitation…"

"Potter!"

"Okay, okay, seriously, it's just a joke!" He pulled back as she reached out to smack his shoulder.

She glared at him for a second, not really angry but keeping up the charade, before smirking slightly, "Well, I'm glad you're feeling better."

James settled back into his seat, resting his arm again over the back of the couch, his hand resting in her hair that fell over the couch next to her, "Yeah I am. Thanks, Lils."

Her smirk softened into something warmer as she replied, "You're welcome, James."

They settled into another bout of silence, more comfortable than the one before. Neither one willing to break it, until,

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?"

James flinched slightly at the question and averted his eyes, once again raking an unsteady hand through his hair. He didn't answer.

Suddenly, she wanted to take back the question, "I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to, but I know that talking sometimes can help…"

Still he didn't answer. His posture was no longer loose and free, but rigid. He withdrew his arm from the couch and leaned forward with his arms on his knees. The silence solidified around them until Lily felt like she almost couldn't breathe. Regret burned in her chest.

Eventually she again cleared her throat and murmured, "Alright, well, we've got classes tomorrow so I think I'll be heading back up to bed…"

She withdrew her feet from beneath James' rigid leg and pulled the blanket from her lap. Before she could push herself to her feet, however, James spoke.

"It was about my mum."

Lily froze, "What?"

"The nightmare, it was about my mum."

He seemed to be on the edge of something, Lily could practically see it on the tip of his tongue so she stayed silent, allowing him to find the words.

Finally, in a voice so agonized that it made Lily's heart physically break, James continued, "He killed her. Voldemort. I was standing right there in the dream but I couldn't do anything and he killed her. I couldn't...I didn't stop him."

"James." She whispered as she leaned forward to lay a soft hand on arm. He didn't seem to feel it, or even remember that Lily was there at all. Something was bubbling up inside of James Potter at that moment. He stared hard into the fire. His glasses slid down to the end of his nose, but he made no move to push them back up. Lily wasn't sure what to do. Then, all at once, words began tumbling from James' mouth.

"What a useless time to be in school, right in the middle of a damn war. We shouldn't be in here holed up in our cushy little castle, hiding. We should be out there fighting." He gestured wildly to the window and the darkness that lay beyond it, "_I _should be out there fighting!"

"James." Her voice came out only slightly above a whisper and he continued to speak, paying her no regard.

"I should be out there, right now, protecting the people that I love, not sitting here worrying about homework or girls or whether or not we're gonna beat Slytherin next Friday at Quidditch! I mean how thick can you get?!" His eyes were wild as he shoved a hand once again into his hair, pulling so hard it must have been painful, "There's a bloody war on right now and people are dying and I'm not doing shit!"

"James!"

This time he seemed to have heard her at least. He turned to look at her with his wild, fearful eyes, "No, seriously Lily! Who are we trying to kid?! Every single one of us is just hiding out here waiting for others to put their lives on the line and fight while we have the time of our bloody lives getting drunk every other weekend or blowing up the caretaker's office!" He turned back toward the window, his voice gradually gaining in volume until he was practically shouting, "I need to get out there! I need to fight! I can't just sit here anymore watching other people die for me!"

"JAMES!"

In one quick movement, Lily reached out and grabbed James' face in her hands, pulling him back to face her. The determined fire in her eyes matched his own. He fell silent in the face of her ferocity. They stared at each other for a second with wide eyes.

While she spoke, she stared hard at him, never letting go of his face, "We _will _fight! Okay? We're gonna get out there and fight this damn war, and protect the people that we love, alright? I promise. Just not right now,"

She gave his head a small shake to emphasize her point before continuing, "Do you think I like being here knowing that my parents are out there and they haven't got a damn clue what's really going on in the world?! I hate it! I hate knowing that they're in danger every second of everyday. I hate knowing that they couldn't even protect themselves if someone decided to go after them! It eats away at me every single day! But I'm here so I can learn to protect them! _We _are here to learn how to protect them! We are of no use to anyone if we don't know what we're doing. James, you're 17 years old. If you went out there right now, you'd just end up getting yourself killed. That would kill your mother. That would…"

Her voice faltered for a second and to her surprise tears pooled in her eyes as an unfathomable image hit her: a world without James Potter. The thought gutted her in a way she hadn't expected and she drew in a shaky breath, "I don't… I don't know what I would do if you…" She slid her hands up so they tangled in his hair as she pulled his face down so she could press her forehead against his, "Please, James. We're gonna fight someday soon, okay? I'll be right there beside you, if you… if you want. Just… not today."

At some point during her speech, her eyes had fallen shut so she couldn't see his reaction to her words. Their breath mingled in the practically non-existent space between then. A small tear squeezed out of the side of Lily's eye and tracked its way down her cheek. Softly, she felt James' hand come up and wipe it away before he pulled back slightly.

Lily slowly opened her emerald eyes and found that they were just inches away from James' hazel ones. His face had a look of quiet intensity that she had never seen before in any other being. It made her heart begin to beat uncontrollably in her chest. Then he blinked and inclined his head ever so slightly in an almost imperceptible nod before breathing out a single word in response,

"Okay."

Lily Evans was never really sure what moment exactly it was when she decided that she loved James Potter. She was convinced it was not a single moment at all, but a culmination of hundreds of thousands of moments that all led up a grand realization after hearing that one word. A realization that she did not want to imagine a single minute of her future from that moment on that didn't involve James Potter. She wanted him, she _needed_ him there for every bad and good day, for every sunny and rainy afternoon, every drunken weekend, every lazy Sunday morning. What was the point of a life where he wasn't by her side? She honestly couldn't see one.

So she smiled a small smile, one that crinkled her eyes, and whispered, "Good." And then she allowed her eyes to fall shut once more before pulling his face to her once again and capturing his lips with her own.

She awoke the next morning to the sounds of many wolf-whistles and catcalls and she distinctly heard Sirius Black call out,

"Atta boy, James!"

To which Remus replied, "Sirius they are both fully dressed, nothing happened!"

But in that moment all that mattered to Lily was that James' arms were still wrapped protectively around her. She felt him press a kiss to the top of her head and she was elated in that knowledge that from that moment on she would never have to live in a world without James Potter.

**A/N**

**Oh friends, I have never written a Jily fanfic so this has been extremely fun for me. If you read and enjoyed leave me a note because they are my life blood. I love you all. Truly. But not as much as I love Lily and James. **


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